DEMYSTIFYING EROTICISM: APPLYING BEDROOM PRINCIPLES TO EVERYDAY LIFE

(A1) Nowadays, and depending on the age, there seems to be a positive relationship between one’s age and the need to feel loved. The degree to which this relationship has changed as relationships become increasingly broadcasted through media has yet to be determined, however what remains the same is the intense desire to be cared for. With social media’s phony display of what relationships look like in the current age, the cameras tend to obscure the optics of the downsides of relationships–the work that is necessary to keep a partnership afloat.

Needless to say, relationship counselors are in demand–and there are some real psychologists that are dedicated to the study of relationships to determine how to safely navigate one. Nobody is a mind reader and sometimes it can feel like interpersonal relationships require the traits of a psychic, and although professionals in the mental health field are not soothsayers, they might be the next best thing.

One of these experts is Esther Perel–a Belgian psychotherapist best known for her work on complex relationship issues, her books, and ultimately her social media presence. Notice how I’m careful not to use the word psychologist here–as it takes a doctoral degree to be a certified psychologist, while Perel possesses a Masters degree. This is not to bash her educational background as you do not need to be a psychologist to still be an expert on the field of mental health–Perel’s education level is still wholly sufficient and clearly has not been a barrier to her own achievements. As a Jewish-born Belgian raised by two Holocaust survivors, Perel is inspired by the trauma that is intergenerationally woven into her family as she takes her learned experiences into the mental health profession. Notably, not only on her theories on the power of eroticism as not just a tool in the betterment of relationship dynamics, but how it can be used as a method to embrace your livelihood. Through her blog, her multiple published books, and her occasional appearances as a TED speaker, Esther clearly has the credentials to be a public intellectual.

However, that’s not the point of this post. I have a vested interest in this theory that eroticism is the key to defying the morbidity that comes with our concept of death. As stated, Esther builds her idea around eroticism being something more than a purely sexual concept–it’s something more akin to a drug that gives meaning to existence. Personally, I’m fascinated to the point where I both invite its intrigue but also repel the idea to a certain extent. Thus, let’s talk about how the double-edged nature of eroticism is both a tool and a weapon by which it may be wielded by both victim and aggressor in the pursuit of romantic enlightenment.

Before we get into this, however, it’s important to speak about the hand that feeds us the information–Perel herself. As the originator of this thought, was Perel instrumental in bringing this topic to the roundtable? That is to say, had Perel not been around to explain her theory, would her wisdom have been the only catalyst in sparking the discussion on the value of eroticism or would there have been some other prevailing thought brought up by society in their quest towards self-enlightenment?

I highly doubt this–in a society that is just now getting over its innately anti-feminist roots, sex remained (and, in some parts of the world, remains) a taboo topic. Women being unable to indulge in their sexual desire without being seen as promiscuous is reflected in just how many words there are to describe a sexual woman versus the number of names there are to call a sexual man. Let’s take a moment to speak on one of those tropes–the Jezebel. The black female Jezebel is a stereotype that existed during the Jim Crow era and is a term to describe a mysterious black woman who uses her sexual prowess to charm a man into submission. It comes from the Bible, in fact, meant to refer to the King of Israel’s wife who had the plan to kill Elijah as she was guided by her own desire and had no fear of any god or principle. Suffice to say, society has never truly been kind to the sexual woman.

Perel, along with many other women who are leading the charge in owning their sexuality, leads the charge in redefining the term eroticism and leading it away from these harmful stereotypes. Her existence as a public intellectual is necessary, as every movement needs someone to start the fire–and Perel’s own lived experiences that were unique to her was the catalyst in this newfound embrace of what it means to be erotic.

However, that leaves us with a question–what exactly is Perel’s definition of eroticism? According to Perel, it is not the act of sex, but “the qualities of vitality, curiosity, and spontaneity that make us feel alive.” That being said, I want to honor her wishes and step away from eroticism as a sexual quality and discuss it purely to the degree in which we feel alive. This is what truly makes Perel’s ideas so important. Circling back to the fact that Perel’s parents survived concentration camps, she speaks about how her parents carried this quality with them and is what caused them to continue living. In the face of death, Perel’s parents utilized eroticism to remain hopeful and survive one of the world’s largest travesties.

In no way am I attempting to compare the Holocaust to what the current world is going through, but although the modes of suffering are on different scales, there is still suffering nonetheless. From the increased planetary temperatures, to harm-doers that roam the streets, and even to the worldwide pandemic that threatened (and took!) so many of our lives–doom is everywhere! And though doom won’t stop anytime soon, Perel teaches us that we still have the power in our hands to live in a way that makes the most of our time here on Earth while we do have it. To feel pleasure, is to feel the absence of pain, a sort of dichotomy that intrigues both Perel and myself.

To build off of this, I personally buy into the fact that eroticism can be used for good in this way. Such as religion fuels meaning for many individuals, eroticism could also be a (in my opinion) less invasive way to live one’s life, and that’s because it is purely subjective. Although religion often involves taking into consideration the morals of others, eroticism is purely based on the expression of self.

Of course, this is a highly contested issue and it comes with its critiques. Some of this pushback comes in the form of people believing that Perel is disingenuous as a public intellectual because of the fact that she poses more questions than she answers in her literature. And while this is certainly the case as far as her actions go, I believe that it is indicative of a good thinker to pose questions first when dealing with controversial topics as to gently ease the reader into their overall greater point. The fact of the matter is that society has proven itself not to be as receptive to Perel’s ideas. While she surely has her supporters, she receives pushback to her ideas as they need to be taken in with an open mind. I will get into this shortly in my personal critique of Perel, however what I cannot deny is that Perel is instrumentally laying the groundwork for her work to be expanded upon in the future, as she anticipates that her theories on eroticism will succeed her.

Returning to the point of eroticism as a sexual desire, Perel has been faced with backlash on her views of eroticism in marriage. It seems as though she is met with her detractors believing that she is promoting infidelity–and eroticism as a whole being harmful to marriage as an institution. Although I can vaguely draw the line between this premise and its conclusion, I’m still not convinced that Esther believes in this personally. A relationship psychotherapist, Perel has been dutifully faithful to commitment, and this is what actually lends to her idea that eroticism is not only beneficial but necessary in a relationship.

Here is where I’ll try to fill in the gaps with my own perception of Esther’s views. Humans are extremely dynamic animals, our cognitive function is as advanced as it is because it allows us to maneuver through situations. However, this also means that we are not stationary in our cognition. I believe the reason why marriages and some relationships fail is because people remain comfortable and sit stagnant. Like an unmoving river unable to progress due to a stoppage at a choke point, stagnant relationships become immobile. This is where eroticism keeps the relationship lubricated enough for a stable relationship to be had. It sounds ironic–stability being brought on by spontaneity–but when you think about how many relationships fail due to insecurity and boredom, it becomes apparent why the confidence and vitality that comes with eroticism is so necessary not only in the bedroom, but in all aspects of the relationship.

However, there is a facet of these critiques that I believe to still apply–and is my only gripe with how eroticism is portrayed. Due to it still being in its early stages, there are way more harsh critiques than there are valid ones, and Perel does an intentionally poor job of defending her stance from those critiques. I say intentional, because Perel feeds off of the headline-prone tendency of today’s society in a way to garner attention. I believe it to be a very smart tactic when employed correctly (and make no mistake I believe it to fully have worked for Perel), but dangerous when trying to validate your point with others and substantiate your views to a crowd of people who dismiss the claim as soon as they read the headline. It is almost detrimental to a point where people who see the deeper meaning are ostracized because they are not following the wave of belief that reads how “infidelity might be good for relationships” but fail to go deeper in realizing how it can open up the gaps in your relationship and show where bridges must be mended. Although I stated earlier that Perel intentionally is laying the groundwork for people to become receptive to her ideas, I do believe her to have a choice in which she can prepare her work carefully in advancing general thought about eroticism, but opts not to in favor of currently reaping the benefits of her work.

Although I have my gripes with Esther Perel’s methods, her points are vital to the very nature of the human experience. Suffering, tragedies, and misfortune are daily events and are forever. A pessimistic view, yes, but realists do not always have to suffer from the truth. As Perel puts it, the value is in your own vitality and spirit. To treat life erotically is not to live in a sexual manner, rather own your desires and cultivate your own pleasure. I believe Perel’s public significance was instrumental in revolutionizing relationship therapy and her status as a public intellectual was not in vain. Esther Perel owns erotic intelligence, and now it is up to us to expand upon these findings and bring the lessons in which we worship in the bedroom to all aspects of our interpersonal connections.

References

Heller, Z. (2017, December 11). In defense of adulterers. The New Yorker. https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/

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Mack, S. (2007, August 14). The “Decline” of Public Intellectuals? The New Democratic Review. http://www.stephenmack.com/blog/archives/200

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Perel, E. (n.d.). Focus on Eroticism. Esther Perel. https://www.estherperel.com/focus-on-categories/eroticism

Perel, E. (n.d.-b). From Esther Perel’s blog - men, women, and sexuality: More similar than different. Esther Perel. https://www.estherperel.com/blo

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Sehgal, P. (2017, October 24). “the State of affairs” examines our Cheating hearts. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/24/books/review-state-of-affairs-rethinking-infidelity-esther-perel.html