JUSTICE FOR THE MAXIMIZER: A LOVELESS ARCHETYPE

Dating, at times, is an arduous task. If you are the type to date with the intention of settling down with a partner, then it seems to be a one way street towards your forever partner. Either that or you may veer off the road into which you either get away with minor emotional damage or at its potential worst–heartbreak. It is a terrifying gamble that much of the world takes part in–such is life.

Nowadays, as relationship coaches and ordinary people try to discover the characteristics that make a relationship work (i.e. love languages & the dreaded "what do you bring to the table" conversation), relationship psychologists attempt to tackle the hefty goal of determining the switch in the brain that specific people carry, allowing for relationships to either flourish or fall apart.

Before we go even further, in the title I used the term "loveless," but what does that mean? I admittedly borrowed the term from New Zealand artist Lorde's 2018 song titled "Hard Feelings/Loveless," an ode to the unloving nature of this generation, which seeks to only have superficial relationships instead of doing the work to pursue something deeper. The term "loveless," is being used here to describe how incapable of love this generation is.

We will circle back to the point of being incapable of loving. For now let's continue discussing the innate qualities that people carry in which relationships may come easier to some than others. There are many of ways in which you can describe personality types. Most notably, there's the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a list of 16 different personality types in which a person taking the survey will fall into one of these categories. This is a bit too specific for our case–there may be an even more general way to determine if a relationship is pre-destined to fail or not.

Let's turn to the discussion on maximizers and satisfiers. Throughout the rest of this post, I will be mostly referring to an opinion editorial from Lynn Muldrew of Arizona State University, Dept of Psychology. Lynn refers to two groups in which all people belong to–the satisfiers and the maximizers. Satisfiers are those who are content with what they have. Likened to the name, they are easy to satisfy and will not put up a fuss if what they have is not the best possible outcome. These people are more easy-going and will settle for things that are average and above. Maximizers are your strivers; they are people who continue to search for the best possible outcome. These people are not settled easily and often are moving onto the next big thing. If you think about it, we laud this trait constantly. We often applaud people for having the motivation and determination to see their goals through and being unrelenting in their process towards maximal happiness.

Applying this to the relationship topic, Muldrew argues that the tendency towards perfection that maximizers carry inhibit them from developing romantic relationships–their strive towards the most perfect match gets in the way of their ability to love. As a consequence, settlers are people who are easy to be in relationships, and a maximizer can only experience a true love if they are to change their ways.

Let's start off with the most basic premise–everything in relationships, including inclination towards love, is subjective. Because of the subjective nature of this experience, what can really be said about the way maximizers feel in this instance? Is it fair to generalize their behavior as more non-committal than satisfiers? Relationships must be taken case by case, or else you are doing a disservice to them as a whole. Who is to say two maximizers in a relationship would not try to seek better in themselves and their experiences rather than immediately leaving each other to find a better pairing?

Let's also consider the point that everyone, regardless of their personality type has the opportunity to be unfaithful. Anyone has the capacity to grow dissatisfied with the relationships–in fact the top specific reasons (according to a 1988 study done by Bruce Roscoe et al in which the subject was identifying cheating behavior, reasons, and consequences) for infidelity happen to be boredom, revenge, and insecurity. In fact, it would be logical to assume that in order to avoid these feelings, maximizers are better equipped than satisfiers to make decisions that are better for them.

It's okay to be satisfied in a relationship, just as it is okay to chase a deeper connection. In the end, everyone moves according to their needs of self-actualization. Converting a maximizer to a satisfier might put the other partner in the relationship at a little more ease, but at the cost of the maximizer's happiness? Everyone deserves someone who understands them, and no one should have to change to get into a relationship.